M.I.A

Hi girls,

Firstly a little apology on my behalf seen as i haven't been on here in a while.

I have had the worst week ever! 

i've totally been fucking up and really depressed, it's been awful took a lot of it out on my boyfriend not for no reason but things that could of been resolved without a big argument.

So i'm hoping as of tomorrow things can be fixed.

my plan is:

Back on all my tablets tomorrow morning 

have a small bowl of oats and a cup of tea with 2 sweeteners for breakfast

Salad for lunch

oats again for dinner

going to bottle some water later and put it in the fridge and try drink a lot of water  to flush the crap out of my system 

go the shops to get salad and a few bits that i'm needing

i'll also be tidy the whole house because it's a bit of a mess and that is helping me stay strong and keep to my restricting as it's making me feel crap

Anyway going to watch t.v for a while and then might add some new stuff to my website.

SO Called Friends

Hiya Girls,

Ok so i usually post every day but lately i've been slacking :O.

it's not like i even have any excuse for it i've just been totally lazy and couldn't for the life of me think what to talk about.

I must admit i wasn't in the best of moods yesterday, I have never been so hurt in all my life! 

Ok so here is the deal so you know what the hell i'm talking about.

When i moved to be with my boyfriend over 2 years ago i met his friends and i made good friends with one of the guys and this particular "guy" (trying so hard not to use names)

moved away to somewhere on the other side of the world for a kind of exchange student kinda thing, what ever anyway when he left we had a big party for him and i went out my way to think of a really good well thought out present, which turned out to be a big success.

Now the whole time he was away i sent emails kept him in the loop and talked to everyone about him coming back.

Now about 3 months ago he arrived back and we all got together a few times and chilled..bla bla bla...and then came the news that the girlfriend he made of in this other part of the world decided that she was going to come over here for the next 6 months, obv we all got excited about that.

A few days later it turns out that my bf's cousin is going to be the one driving him to pick her up...so as soon as he was asked he asked my bf to go as company for him..which ment 1 seat was left in the car so i said i would go.

i then figured that if she was staying for 6 months obv there is going to come a time when my friend has to work and she will be left on her own so i decided that it would be ok if she came to my house and stayed with me instead of being alone at his house..

I then figured that it was a really good idea that i was going in the car because that gave the poor girl some time to get to know me in a group situation rather than just turning up at my house not knowing me from adam and feeling really uncomfortable.

so she asked my friend if that was ok and i also asked him myself which he said TO MY FACE that it was.

So i then got all excited about it.

BUT

that all changed last night

i asked asked by the girlfriend to find out who was coming to pick her up i then did that and rang my bf which is where i then discovered he was actually with the friend so when i asked about it it turns out that some other friend of ours thinks he is going...then he decides he can't go...then decides he can

at which point might i make clear that no one really likes this guy and im the only one who sticks up for him when the guys all take the piss out of him.

So when i received the text telling me this i then rang my bf to find out what the fuck was going on, who then puts me on the phone to this other friend who i then said in a very obviously joking voice.

"about this picking up lark  lol dont you be thinking your going i am hahah" 

i clearly ment it as a joke and was totaly obvious about that but when i went to say 

"just joking but seriously whats happening"

I didn't even get the chance he blew up at me shouting, asking who put me in charge, telling me im not allowed to go...bla bla bla

and this is a fully grown boy we are talking about here.. having some sort of princess hissy fit! 

so in the end i text my friend and told him id sent him a big message on fb and that i wanted to talk to him when he got home....

BUT i never got to have that talk...i got a text a few mins later telling me this stupid friend of ours had a big heated conversation about going and basically had  a strop really until he got his own way, at which point i had to give up my seat in the car and not go.

So you can imagine by this time i was FUMING!

I couldn't believe that my so called mate! 

had just give in to this stroppy sod let him get his own way and told me i cant go...

I then felt totally second best 

and what made matters worse is i moved away last year and have only just came back again so my friends here are limited and because i now have my own flat i can't afford to just go out all the time so this meant a lot to me.

So i completely felt fucked over to say the least so i basically cried for ages.

it wasn't the fact that i couldn't go in the car because come on im not 6 it was the fact that after everything and really thinking i would be the one picked over that shit head i wasnt....

it was the biggest let down ever.

so now they are expecting to take the stroppy friend to pick her up and then come back to my flat and all chill out...

well i'm sorry i'm not sure how i should feel about that to be honest part of me feels totally used and i'm sorry but if it was me i would of allowed the person who was going to look after my girlfriend while i was in work and allow us to got to her home to come with us in the car wouldn't you?

so i've made it VERY clear that that princess stroppy pants is not allowed in my home i've also made it clear that i am not happy that i got picked to be left behind and that im also not happy to have everyone coming back here when i wasn't allowed to go in the first place.

My boyfriend stuck by me through it all though which made me feel better he also said that if i wasn't welcome to go then he didn't want to go either.

I realised just how crazy my mindset is right now after all that last night i got so angry that i decided that i wasn't going to eat today...i don't really know why i decided that as it doesn't really effect him nor will he know its even happening but it makes me feel better....

makes no sense i know maybe i'm loosing my mind..more than likely

anyway moving on....

its 1.30pm and im still in bed i did a tone of workout last night as i was so angry and my body is killing me i was literately nearly sick i did that much

also i'm still kinda hurt from last night so i'm kinda just sulking in my bed not wanting to see the daylight or any other room in my house least of all the kitchen.

i really do need to get up though as i should of taken my tablets a few hours ago and obviously still haven't so that's not good also my boyfriend arrives home at 4 and i look like death warmed up

So i'll have to love and leave you for now xxx

Goal 1 reached

ok so i reached my first goal today so i'm happy about that.
I didn't get to stick to not eating anything else yesterday as i felt very weak and shaky so i had a salad sandwich
but still i managed to stick to under 400 cals so thats good.

While i was online yesterday i made a website you can take a look if you like.
http://dreamingofperfection.webs.com

there's tones of things on there games, exercises, thinspiration, thinspiration videos and more.
it's not fully complete so you will have to bare with me.

i also made my first thinspiration video yesterday you can view that here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1kWrROtp1o


in other news i've done ok today i've had a small bowl of soup and a slice of bread and a chicken salad toasty i try to avoid meals involving bread and such but these new tablets have made me feel weird so i thought it was best to have a half decent day but back to the usual tomorrow:)    

Speaking of tomorrow i'm going to buy the new coat i seen the other day.
Just hope they have it in my size...it will be just my luck that they wont but still no harm in trying.

i've also decided to take up knitting again it gives me something to do and keeps my hands busy so that's good :)

i plan to go and make another thinspiration video in a bit so keep your eye out for it appearing on my you tube account

Ok so it's the morning after the night before and to be honest i've felt better.
Feeling all sluggish and a bit gross but to be honest after my feast last night i am far from surprised.
My initial plan this morning was to start a liquid fast to make up for last night but after taking all my tablets i felt kinda sick and thought i may throw up so decided to have my alli tablet which takes half the fat out my meals and runs it straight through my body and eat  half a serving sachet of oats which was about 40cals.

Other than that i plan to eat nothing else today but we will have to see how that goes considering how im feeling at the moment.

In other news my scales arrived today and i discovered that not only do i weight more than i expected i also have to start my goal chart again... technically i'm only 2lb's over my first goal but that's besides the point.

Got my first follower today after days of having tones of views and no contact.
Sounds sad but it felt good :) thankyou.

So seen as i wasn't expecting to be able to get on line today im going to edit my blog i've got till half 11 tonight so i think that's plenty of time :)

A One Off

Ok so yesterday's little trip to the restaurant didn't turn out as expected, instead it turned into Chinese food at my flat and watching Ice Age now don't get me wrong it was a lovely night and i really enjoyed it, but it wasn't as healthy as the option i was going to pick at the restaurant.
Never the less i got my self mentally prepared and decided i was allowed to enjoy this night in and the food and would make up for it over the  next week.

Other than that yesterday was a really nice day, went out shopping with my boy to get his new mobile phone which might i add i am so so jealous off but still it was lovely to see him all excited haha.
Treated myself to some lovely smelling shampoos and bits and pieces.

Ok so yesterday was a week since i measured myself so i decided to give it a go and wasn't expecting any results what so ever but was pleasantly surprised to find that not only had i lost 3 inch's around my stomach i had also lost 2 inch's around my waist and 1inch from my hips and 1 inch from each leg!

Clearly my workout is helping along with my restricting so that makes me immensely happy :)

Utter Slob :P

I've not long woke up and it's already 1am...how lazy am i please! 
I have like 101 things to do before my boyfriend gets here and i've not even thought about starting yet, it will probably just get left as usual which is why i currently have no dishes or cups as they are all in the sink, the way i see it is if i have nothing to eat off and cant be bothered cleaning them i just wont eat, but seriously it needs to be done as well  as the cleaning of my dressing table and the hoovering of my whole flat.
Which thinking about it i will do as soon as i'm done here as hoovering burns calories :) which is a good thing and i don't want my boyfriend to start thinking i'm an utter slob.


one more day till my scales arrive!!! i'm excited and scared all rolled into one i'm excited as i can finally see how my actions are effecting me weight and it's always an incentive to try harder when you see things are changing, but at the same time im totally scared because i know that my weight is bad...probably worse than it was when i last got weighed i'm just hoping that if it is bad its one of those times when it gives you a shock into trying as hard as you can and not giving up rather than making me upset and depressed and feeling like giving up.
I suppose i'll only know how i feel when i step on those scales, god seriously listen to me any half normal person would just step on and think bugger im fatter or yay im a but thinner and carry on what they are doing but no not me its like a major thing which i need to pre per myself for :/ 
i swear if they did my life in film that moment would have dramatic background music haha


I suppose you may be wondering what my feelings are this morning after my dramatic episode last night....well to be honest i feel really good i feel positive and i feel like i don't crave the taste of any of them foods.
if im totaly honest i did not enjoy the taste of those foods at all i used to love chips with lots of salt and vinegar on and heaps of cheese but last night it just tasted plain and i could taste the oil in them and it felt funny in my mouth... don't think ill be having those any time soon.
but other than that i'm feeling positive about the day ahead, i know i'm supposed to be going for a meal with my boyfriend but i've told myself that its ok and i'm allowed to enjoy the moment.


It's not often we get to go out and have a meal together just the two of us and hey restaurants sell chicken salads so all is not lost.
I really want to enjoy this night out with him he's gone through the trouble to save up money to take me out somewhere i enjoy the least i can do is have the time of my life.
i owe that much to him and there is no way on this earth im going to let an eating disorder come between me and my boyfriend because i know he is the one i'm going to spend the rest of my life with.
There is just noway that we can be apart 3 years together now and we are still going strong we practically live together so we know when that stepping stone comes and we do move in together that there are going to be no problems no pet hates we discover anything.


anyway im totally rambling on now so i'm going to shush for now and i will most likely be on again sunday night as i spend the weekends with my boyfriend and DO NOT want him seeing this.


so stay strong girls good luck over the weekend and remember if you do mess up monday is the start of a whole new week.




xx   
  

Mental Moment

it's been a very quite night tonight with hazardous consequence's, one min i was sitting in bed looking at mag's and on the phone to my boyfriend and the next i was in the kitchen eating everything i could get my hands on...

crisps, dry cereal, chips, chicken, bread ..the lot! 

I did it so fast i can't even recall what i eat when and why all i know is i was thinking i don't need this restricting eating crap i'm missing out on all this food so i scoffed down it wasn't until i slowed down and thought about what i was doing did i suddenly get the biggest shock of my life! 

i ran right to the bathroom downing a pint of water on my way and threw up the lot...only to go back and eat again so i could get a taste of everything i've not allowed myself only to retrace my steps back to the bathroom and throw up again god i hate this so much :( 

this is the first time i have felt like this in a while :/ i usually give in to a little something but i always make sure its a tiny bit and i work it off later never going mental like that.

but anyway yeah ive just done some working out as my punishment for being so weak! 

and i'll do a little bit more when im done here.

then i think ill get in bed with a film and try fall asleep before i do any more damage than i already have.

god not having your ana buddies to talk to when you find yourself with nothing to do really is destructive.

xx

So close yet so far

Last night was awful for some reason i had loads of bad dreams the worst was about my boyfriend i dreamt that he decided he didnt love me no more and wanted to live the single life..and so on and i woke up crying lucky he was staying over that night and reassured me that was never going to happen silly me getting all emotional over my dreams.
This morning wasn't any better ether i woke up by the sound of a package from my nan hitting the floor and when i went to collect it there was a royal mail note to say at 9am they turned up with my scales and my new tablets and because i was sound asleep i didn't hear them i now have to wait till saturday for it to be re delivered. god damn it!
but on the brighter side i got the most beautiful gift from my nan it was a key ring with a big skull in diamonds it looks fab on my bag.
She knows me all to well :)
 also went to town again today bought some low cal ice lollies for the times i get my sweet tooth hehe
and spent the rest of the day chilling with my boyfriend watching the simpsons
and having a low cal dinner

Rambling like a mad woman

Hi girls,
I've always felt funny righting away on here as i feel like i'm rambling on like a mad woman to no one but myself  but i had a quick check of my stat's and i'm getting a fair amount of views i'm glad that people are coming along to my blog even if they only read a little bit i don't expect them to sit and read it all i can talk forever but really i'm just providing a destraction for myself and maybe even for others.
Anyway the rest of my day ended well :)
i had my little lay down and then went out into town for a good few hours then later that evening i had a small salad with a few chicken pieces and a small baked potato.
and that was it for the day.
I really hope the people visiting my page start leaving something on the guest book i love nothing more than talking to you girls, dont be scared i'll even let you post anonymous

Bed Head.

Just woke up god i was so cold once i got out my bed, i was totally shivering whilst trying to get dressed ran straight into the kitchen after that for my nice hot cup of tea hopefully that will heat me from the inside out.
Got a million and one things to do today which all include walking into town even though its only a 5 min walk i'm still not to happy about it because well its cold out and seen as i didn't buy my new coat yet i'm going to be freezing :(
I hope i power through everything really fast so i don't have to be out for long and can get back to my flat and put the heater on mmmmmm.
I can tell its going to be awful out for the sheer fact that the main door to my building is opening with the wind and then slamming over and over again was doing it in the night as well... how annoying.
i totally thought it would take a lot longer to get ready than it actually has, so ive got like over two hours to waste until i have to go into town...how i calculated that so wrong i'll never know.
anyway need to go take my vitamins and maybe have a little lie down where its nice and warm.

much love guys stay strong

xxx

Cold feet

ok so it's nearly 2am and im still awake regardless of the fact i have to be up early tomorrow :/
this is not a good idea

I'm so COLD i forgot how cold my bed is without my boyfriend in it!
plus today has been so cold as well
to much wind and rain for my liking

in other news ive done some exercising with my new ana buddy for support
i love making new friends to give you that extra push works a treat.

anyway i must sleep now before i end up never waking up for tomorrow xx

sweet dreams

Pj's and a side salad..

Ok i was able to keep my promise...
Boy how great it feels..i'm sat here with a big smile on my face as i type this and sipping on a cup of tea in a nice warm bed with a hot water bottle :)

This morning i woke up had a glass of water with my vitamins and slimming tablets and then got ready to go shopping with my boyfriend...apart from the small disagreement we had while out it was a lovely shopping day.

I found a new winter coat that's perfect apart from the obvious fact it would look so much better if i where thin but other than that its lovely.
I then had to sit with my boyfriend while he eat a burger king which to be honest although it killed me to watch him eating it i was happy to do so seen as he's a picky eater and can't put weight on....don't we all wish we had that problem.
then i did some food shopping salad, veg and fat free yoghurt only of course.
then i came home to put the food away and then nipped to Asda where i fell in love with these purple soft pj's had to have them.
put them on when i got home they look lovely but will look amazing when i'm thin :)
story of my life...but not for long.. ill get there soon

also found out my new tablets and scales have been dispatched so that means ill get them in 3-5 days :)
tomorrow i have to walk into town which im hoping its not raining as because i haven't got my coat yet i'm gonna be freezing but hey a walk and being cold means ill be burning cals ;) it's all good
but i'll be getting more tablets and a small gift from my nan in the post exciting stuff :)

but yeah in total all ive eaten today is a salad that my boyfriend made for me..it was nice and he kicked me out of the kitchen so he could surprise me with the fact he can actually pre per something edible bless him

xxxx

Super Fail

Ok so yesterday didn't go quite as planned and for the first time im feeling Exactly how shameful it is to let you all know i FAILED :/

  

I didn't have my pasta as promised no instead my boyfriend brought over pizza and crisps....i started off well by saying no thank you and eating a small amount of spaghetti and 1 slice of brown toast....but that was all ruined as before the night was over i eat some pizza and settled down for a film with a bag of crisps....however i did pick the lowest cal bag...not that after eating the pizza it made much of a difference...

other than that i got to watch the infidel and it was HILARIOUS! 

had a lovely cuddle with the boyfriend aswel so that made it even nicer.

 ok so tomorrow will be better i promise.!.

and i'll keep that one 

 

Tea and cigarette's

Just had a lovely bath and got myself all made up so i'm feeling good.
I love looking in the mirror and thinking those clothes would look so much better without the fat hanging over,
makes me more determined to do good today.

ok so i've got about 1 hour till my boyfriend comes home then i wont be on here till tomorrow night when he has to stay at his house for college the next day....
i'm so proud of myself today ive eaten nothing at all!
only just getting the rumbling belly god it's been so long since i felt that think i'm going to get another cup of tea... be right back...


back :)
while i was making my tea i decided that im going to have a small bowl of pasta and a tomato and garlic sauce
only 300 cals although saying that it will probably be less as im only going to cook half.

anyway got to go and clean up good luck girls
speak soon

sophia xxx

starting off right

so today  is a new day....the start of somthing new...
and i have started off right...ive taken my tablets and my vitamins got active on my blog and had a cigarette and a cup of tea.
I also came across a brilliant website called

www.prettythin.com

It's full of amazing girls there to support you in your quest for perfection and lots of gorgeously thin girls for you to be jealous of to help you stay strong.

i think next for today is going to be some exercise, a shower and make myself look a little better than i do right now haha

i have 3 hrs till my boyfriends home from college so hopefully after he gets back i can somehow not fuck up AGAIN!

be back soon
xx

Falling and the first hurdle

So yesterday was supposed to be me getting back on track with loosing and saying good bye to my BED.
I'm more of a failure than i realised i managed to get right through the day up until late at night...Night times are my biggest down fall.

But not any more! i ordered Alli tablets yesterday and unless i want to risk going the toilet every 5 seconds which would be very unpleasant if i eat fatty foods then i have to keep to none fatty foods.

I'm so disgusted in myself that i'm at my lowest that i have to take strong tablets to stop me from giving in....i want my will power back! 

on the up side :)

My scales should be arriving in the next few days! along with them tablets and some other appetite suppressors 

i can't wait to know how much i weight and how much im loosing i think that will be the biggest wakeup call as well as being able to know my hard work is making a difference 

love Sophia

xx 

 

The Present Day

I have no idea how much i currently weight as i stupidly forgot to pack my scales Grrrr!

but i've started taking my hunger suppressant tablets and eating healthy foods and reducing my calorie intake dramatically.

But this is the biggest struggle ever! i keep seeing myself in the mirror and thinking....whats the point at which point i'll eat stupid foods and binge....where has my will power gone...why can i not see myself and think you fat bitch no more food for you today....

That was until today i stupidly eat the last piece of pizza from last night how gross and then my boyfriend left for work and i decided i have had enough and the only way to get me out of this weak mind set was to get back on-line and get my ana buddies back! 

I need inspiration and i love competition!  

So feel free to follow this page and comment on my posts i'm sorry there isnt much so far but hey i only began today :) there will be a lot of pictures and posts in the future

Lots of Love Sophia xx

My First Post :) The beginning

First thing's first i'm guessing you would all like to know a little about me...My names Sophia i'm 20 years old and a sufferer of BED (Binge eating disorder) and EDNOS (Eating disorder not otherwise specified).

I have suffered from these since i was 15 years old...It all began when i was out one summers day with my boyfriend and my cousin i was walking back over the hill to sit with them when i found them kissing, my heart broke and i ran across the park to my house it wasn't long until my cousin appeared in the doorway to my bedroom, I half expected a tearful apology but instead i was told he didn't want to be with me and wanted her and her next words i will never forget...."Maybe if you where not so fat he wouldn't of dumped you".

after that i began restricting my eating and purging anything bad that i eat i got down to my lowest of 115lbs.

I then met my current boyfriend and moved country to be with him which is when my BED kicked in i began gaining due to the trauma of leaving my parents and little sister behind, not long after i kicked myself into touch and began loosing again but i was far from my 115lbs i once was but nether the less i turned myself around, until i got the phone call to tell me my uncle had died.... everything no longer mattered and i began to gain and binge again i then had to leave my boyfriend and move back home where i developed depression and eat to fill up that hole in my heart.

Then i decided enough was enough and i packed my bags and went to stay with my boyfriend for a while i then got my own flat and have since decorated and got everything the way i want it as well as having my boyfriend back in my life :)